For the First Time
by not eren jaegar
Summary: Not proof read so there are some spelling/grammatical errors.Rated T for mentions of suicide. Eren Jaeger refuses to show weakness, so he hides it. Eventually, hiding something that aches at your core day after day has to come out. Unable to react with these strong emotions, he tries to find an easier way out. Prompt from anon on tumblr


It was not raining when Eren's being broke. It was not cloudy, it was not grim, it was not sad. And who said it needed to be? The birds were chirping and they haven't lost a soldier in nearly three weeks. If anything the Survey Corps was at the top of it's peak. Eren didn't need to be surrounded by death to be depressed, he's had enough of that. It was the fact that not losing someone in three weeks was a good thing. That they could have another portion of stale bread, that they just got new cots for beds. All of this was supposedly a good thing. Under the circumstances.

He wished there _were_ no circumstances for any of this garbage to ever _be _a good thing. However, Eren did not sigh and look at the sky. He did not seclude himself from the others. But he did hide behind a mask of a hopeful boy. A boy who actually believed such a rotten world like theirs could be thriving once more.

He believed that if he were truly alone that taking his life wouldn't be so selfish. But there were people who cared for him and take that away from them would make him scum. He couldn't allow himself to be that kind of person to anybody. They've already lost so many friends and it'd only make him a hypocrite.

The thing was, he wasn't sure if he'd rather die a coward or die in the stomach of a titan. Neither sounded too appealing and unfortunately for Eren, he'd have to suck it up and continue to live and breath the air of a titan's world. Earth no longer belonged to the human race.

He searched. He searched for anything that could justify his reason for taking his life. He could no longer bare to live. Everyday there was the same pain in his chest and he carried it on his shoulders in front of the world, wherever he went. It was like a boulder that got bigger and bigger and that boulder was something he could not rid of. The boulder was bigger than the world and that weight was on his shoulders. At least in death he'd only have about five feet of dirt above him. He chuckled slightly at such a dark thought and sighed. It was a sigh of many, though this was no sigh of relief.

In that one breath was the last drop of Eren's hope. He'd sighed every day and every day he slowly lost hope. He was certain that today was the last bit he gave up. Tomorrow (if it every came) he wouldn't have any. He wouldn't have any encouraging words to his comrades.

There came a thump on his head and his train of thought crashed. He looked up to see Jean and Connie staring oddly at him.

They muttered something about him staring off into space again and not touching his food. Eren laughed and mustered up a playful punch into their sides telling them he was tired from practice. He knew they didn't buy it because for the past few weeks Eren had always been "tired" from practice and rarely touched his food. It was apparent that he was losing weight and his friends could all see it. They knew better than to say anything else as Mikasa dealt with it everyday.

He would always nod and promise her to eat better and to keep up on his health. But Eren was a liar, and a bad one at that. There was always a feeling of shame that came upon him during breakfast, lunch and dinner when Mikasa would eye his untouched tray.

Night fall came and Eren was escorted to his dungeon. He was locked up like the monster he was and he did not sleep. The bags under his eyes have been building up day after day and it affected his performance in battle. He wasn't sure if he just didn't care anymore or if he really was trying to get himself killed.

For the first time, Eren looked down at his shackled wrists and realized how trapped he was. Not just physically, but mentally. He was trapped in his own thoughts that he was and never would be free. He would always be under the watchful eye of Corporal Levi and if need be, he would kill him. People placed their trust in Eren during battle but locked him up anyway.

Everyone's back was turned on him and it was like he never really saw anyone's real faces. If they were allowed to be hypocrites, couldn't he? All he had to do was wrap the chains around his neck and tug.

After all, if you can't beat 'em, join em.

It wasn't until Mike came down to check on him that he found himself wrapped in his own chains. He heard shouting and several curse words but everything including his vision of Mike running toward him was a blur.

Immediately the chains were off his wrist and he wasn't choked up in them anymore. He drew in an unfortunate breath of air as he coughed violently. Soon there were more footsteps approaching and he could see the outlines of Captain Erwin Smith, Corporal Levi, and Squad Leader Hanji.

After weeks of living in silence he finally let the hot tears fall. He wept loudly as he pounded away at Mike. Yelling at him for taking the chains off. Had he not come to check on him, Eren wouldn't have to wake up the next morning and look around at the ugly world. He wouldn't have to wake up ever again. The superiors let him cry and Mike did not push him away. He let the young boy throw his fists on his chest until he tired himself out.

All four of them stayed in the dungeon and let Eren sleep without the chains. He hated himself for crying like a child in front of his leaders but he couldn't help himself. He knew his eyes would be puffy tomorrow morning and it'd be obvious that he was crying prior.

Sleep over took him for the first time in forever and the adults murmured to each other whilst keeping an eye on Eren.

"You know," Hanji whispered to the others. "He really does look peaceful when he's sleeping." And the others agreed. For the first time they saw Eren at his happiest. For the first time they realized that in his own little dream world there were no titans and he was just a regular boy.

For the first time they began to understand the sad mind that was Eren Jaeger.


End file.
